See you over there.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Waiting to Drown
I am floating on the glassy surface of the still dark lake,
waiting for the endless ripple that extends beyond the horizon,
that will drawn me under to the cold, comforting depths,
and the limitless darkness that I have always yearned for.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I cannot speak, I cannot write
They cut out my tongue and chopped off my fingers,
Then they have put my mind in a box.
Now the world is going to drown beneath my scars.
Then they have put my mind in a box.
Now the world is going to drown beneath my scars.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Lessons you can learn from F1 - revisited
As some of you may know Renault was accused and convicted of cheating at the Singapore race last year. They asked their second driver to crash on a certain lap in order to gain strategic advantage over the rest of the field.
Earlier this season they fired their second driver for poor results and in a childish fit he went crying to the officials.
So what can we learn from this. Lots.
1. Don't cheat. You're gonna get caught. It only takes one person to squeal and the damage is done. Things change, people change. If you didn't do anything wrong you have nothing to fear.
2. Don't lie. If you are caught come clean as soon as possible. This is what happened with Renault. As soon as they realized the truth they threw themselves on the mercy of the court. It worked. They were banned from the sport for two years but that ruling was suspended for two years. And the only way it can get activated again is if they do the exact same thing again...not likely. The technical boss who may or may not have been implicated was offered immunity for his testimony. Instead he came clean too and took his lumps. For five years he cannot participate in racing. Flavio Briatore the team boss? He denied, lied, sued and clammed up. He has been banned for life. There's a lesson for you.
3. Don't give up. (again) Renault will be back, they will be clean and sober and they will win again. Want proof? Right after they cheated their way to a win last year, they won the next race on merit. This year their car was very poor at the start but they are now regularly in the points.
4. Careful who you trust (or don't let you boss be your manager) Seriously if your boss is already your business manager and he tells you to crash, what are you gonna do? You should never have put yourself in that position in the first place. Separate the business from the work from the pleasure. That is common sense.
5. Speaking of common sense. Crash on purpose? Shake your head. That is just plain stupid. And the part that is just stoopider? Now that Nelson Piquet Jr. has crashed and then squealed on his bosses, he wants to drive again in F1. Sorry Charlie, you had your chance and you were found wanting in all respects.
So take your golden chance, grab it with both hands but play fair, be fair.
Lesson learned.
Earlier this season they fired their second driver for poor results and in a childish fit he went crying to the officials.
So what can we learn from this. Lots.
1. Don't cheat. You're gonna get caught. It only takes one person to squeal and the damage is done. Things change, people change. If you didn't do anything wrong you have nothing to fear.
2. Don't lie. If you are caught come clean as soon as possible. This is what happened with Renault. As soon as they realized the truth they threw themselves on the mercy of the court. It worked. They were banned from the sport for two years but that ruling was suspended for two years. And the only way it can get activated again is if they do the exact same thing again...not likely. The technical boss who may or may not have been implicated was offered immunity for his testimony. Instead he came clean too and took his lumps. For five years he cannot participate in racing. Flavio Briatore the team boss? He denied, lied, sued and clammed up. He has been banned for life. There's a lesson for you.
3. Don't give up. (again) Renault will be back, they will be clean and sober and they will win again. Want proof? Right after they cheated their way to a win last year, they won the next race on merit. This year their car was very poor at the start but they are now regularly in the points.
4. Careful who you trust (or don't let you boss be your manager) Seriously if your boss is already your business manager and he tells you to crash, what are you gonna do? You should never have put yourself in that position in the first place. Separate the business from the work from the pleasure. That is common sense.
5. Speaking of common sense. Crash on purpose? Shake your head. That is just plain stupid. And the part that is just stoopider? Now that Nelson Piquet Jr. has crashed and then squealed on his bosses, he wants to drive again in F1. Sorry Charlie, you had your chance and you were found wanting in all respects.
So take your golden chance, grab it with both hands but play fair, be fair.
Lesson learned.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Lessons you can learn from F1
I am a huge F1 fan. I am also a father. Here are some lessons I teach my daughters using Formula 1 as an example and the drivers/leaders who teach them.
1. "Never give up" Even if you are a lap down, with a flat tire and its raining. Never give up because you never know what might happen. If you give up you will never improve or win and people will flee you like the plague. A good example in F1 is Fernando Alonso. Two time world champion, moved to the best team on the grid, had a falling out with the team, went back to his former team which had fallen on hard times. It didn't matter. He put his head down and worked, he raced that horrible car race after race for no points. Then when all seemed lost it rained, the leaders had problems and there was Fernando leading and winning the race. And guess what he did in the next race? Win again. In a car that no one though could win, he did it twice.
2. "Be nice" Even if people are mean to you. Be nice. No one likes a mean person and when you need help or that little bit extra no one will help you. But if you are nice, people want to help you. They want to see you do well. Jensen Button has been languishing at the back for years. A massive talent hobbled by mediocre machinery. He was always nice in the extreme to everyone. Team, team mate, former team, media, the whole lot. His career was almost over when this year he finally got a good car. The result? Six wins and leading the championship. And guess what? Everyone is very happy for him. When things are tight and when it could go either way, they give him the break, the extra room, the helping hand. If it was another driver, it would end in tears and no one would feel sad. Even when they have every right to be mad at him, they aren't because they know he is nice and would not hurt them on purpose.
3. "Learn" Talent can only get you so far. Felipe Massa arrived in F1 and couldn't even drive in a straight line. He had awesome reflexes and car control but he moved the car around too much. He didn't understand aerodynamics. So he took stock, realized he could only go so far on raw speed and decided he had to learn. He learned from the best, Michael Schumacher. Micheal, who usually kept everything close to his chest sat him down and taught him and Massa learnt. Last year he lost the World Championship by just 1 point. He is now smooth, he understand what he needs to do to the car to get the result and he can fall back on talent when he needs to. He learned.
*Massa was badly injured in the last race by a piece of debris on the track. I wish him a fast speedy recovery.
4. Work hard. Work hard all the time. No one gets anywhere by waiting for things to come to them. You have to be smart and talented yes, but that only gets you so far. But by working at it you make your luck and your success. Michael Schumacher came to Ferrari when it was in disarray. They had the ingredients for winning in the pot but no one was stirring it. He stepped up and led by example. He sat in the car and pounded around the test track until the sun set. Then he went into meetings to find answers. He worked hard and smart. The teamed rallied around him and they put in as much effort as he did. The result was 5 World Championships.
5. Be calm. Nothing is solved by running around in a panic. If fact that usually makes things worse. Take a step back, take a deep breath, take another look. You will be surprised what you will find. People are attracted to people who are calm in a storm. Ross Brawn is the epitome of calm and a reasoned approach. He left Ferrari after their success to take a break only to rejoin F1 to take over Honda. His first year you could see the difference in the team. Less mistakes, more progress, smiling faces. Even when Honda pulled out he stayed calm, got financing and took over the team. They are currently leading the world Championship. Its natural to panic, but you don't need to give into it. Chill out, keep a clear head and the solution will come to you.
So there are 5 lessons from 5 people in F1. I'm sure you could find examples outside of the sport but F1 is a high stakes game where only the best survive and they can teach everyone a lot, including my girls.
1. "Never give up" Even if you are a lap down, with a flat tire and its raining. Never give up because you never know what might happen. If you give up you will never improve or win and people will flee you like the plague. A good example in F1 is Fernando Alonso. Two time world champion, moved to the best team on the grid, had a falling out with the team, went back to his former team which had fallen on hard times. It didn't matter. He put his head down and worked, he raced that horrible car race after race for no points. Then when all seemed lost it rained, the leaders had problems and there was Fernando leading and winning the race. And guess what he did in the next race? Win again. In a car that no one though could win, he did it twice.
2. "Be nice" Even if people are mean to you. Be nice. No one likes a mean person and when you need help or that little bit extra no one will help you. But if you are nice, people want to help you. They want to see you do well. Jensen Button has been languishing at the back for years. A massive talent hobbled by mediocre machinery. He was always nice in the extreme to everyone. Team, team mate, former team, media, the whole lot. His career was almost over when this year he finally got a good car. The result? Six wins and leading the championship. And guess what? Everyone is very happy for him. When things are tight and when it could go either way, they give him the break, the extra room, the helping hand. If it was another driver, it would end in tears and no one would feel sad. Even when they have every right to be mad at him, they aren't because they know he is nice and would not hurt them on purpose.
3. "Learn" Talent can only get you so far. Felipe Massa arrived in F1 and couldn't even drive in a straight line. He had awesome reflexes and car control but he moved the car around too much. He didn't understand aerodynamics. So he took stock, realized he could only go so far on raw speed and decided he had to learn. He learned from the best, Michael Schumacher. Micheal, who usually kept everything close to his chest sat him down and taught him and Massa learnt. Last year he lost the World Championship by just 1 point. He is now smooth, he understand what he needs to do to the car to get the result and he can fall back on talent when he needs to. He learned.
*Massa was badly injured in the last race by a piece of debris on the track. I wish him a fast speedy recovery.
4. Work hard. Work hard all the time. No one gets anywhere by waiting for things to come to them. You have to be smart and talented yes, but that only gets you so far. But by working at it you make your luck and your success. Michael Schumacher came to Ferrari when it was in disarray. They had the ingredients for winning in the pot but no one was stirring it. He stepped up and led by example. He sat in the car and pounded around the test track until the sun set. Then he went into meetings to find answers. He worked hard and smart. The teamed rallied around him and they put in as much effort as he did. The result was 5 World Championships.
5. Be calm. Nothing is solved by running around in a panic. If fact that usually makes things worse. Take a step back, take a deep breath, take another look. You will be surprised what you will find. People are attracted to people who are calm in a storm. Ross Brawn is the epitome of calm and a reasoned approach. He left Ferrari after their success to take a break only to rejoin F1 to take over Honda. His first year you could see the difference in the team. Less mistakes, more progress, smiling faces. Even when Honda pulled out he stayed calm, got financing and took over the team. They are currently leading the world Championship. Its natural to panic, but you don't need to give into it. Chill out, keep a clear head and the solution will come to you.
So there are 5 lessons from 5 people in F1. I'm sure you could find examples outside of the sport but F1 is a high stakes game where only the best survive and they can teach everyone a lot, including my girls.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
10 things I've learned...
About Being a Dad
- Patience. Getting mad doesn't solve anything, it makes it worse. And the kids don't try to get me mad on purpose, they are just being kids.
- Laughter. Just by being kids they make me laugh, they have no fear of judgement so just act their feelings, and its hilarious.
- Drive by hugs are awesome. My youngest will walk past, hug my legs and carry on. We should all do that more often.
- Time. Now that I don't have any I realize how precious it is. Time also moves faster now than it ever has, they were just babies a few weeks a go it seems.
- A kiss. Can heal ouchies and hurt feelings. Can say I love you without saying it. Can be delivered over the phone, across a room or on a page written in crayon.
- Sleep. Is critical to their health and well being. And now that they are sleeping through the night and still napping, I can get some rest too. And they are never cuter than when they sleep.
- Play. I have learnt how to play again. At the park, board games and games you make up as you go along. Any object is a toy if you use your imagination.
- Consistency. Be consistent, give them a framework to live within. Stick to you guns, say what you mean. Follow through. It works with adults too.
- Spend time away from your family. It makes you miss them and appreciate them even more when you get back. Plus the big welcome when you do is worth the ache in your heart when you are away.
- Take lots of pictures. They change faster than you think. And kids love to see pictures of themselves so a digital picture frame is an excellent idea.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Eyeteaguy's 10 rules to life.
1. Only panic when I do. If I'm not worried, then you shouldn't be either.
2. Never escalate. If someone attempts to do so, go right to the final step.
3. Don't give hugs. If you must, hug 'm like you mean it. They should struggle for breath.
4. Stop trying to change yourself. Accept who you are and move on.
5. Take a long motorcycle ride once a week.
6. Find a blog you like and hijack it.
7. Sleep 8 hours a day. Its the best thing you can possible do for yourself.
8. Find a sport you like and follow it like an olde tyme religion.
9. Be nice, say thank-you, please and you are welcome.
10. Keep trying, never quit. Even if you fail, especially when you fail.
2. Never escalate. If someone attempts to do so, go right to the final step.
3. Don't give hugs. If you must, hug 'm like you mean it. They should struggle for breath.
4. Stop trying to change yourself. Accept who you are and move on.
5. Take a long motorcycle ride once a week.
6. Find a blog you like and hijack it.
7. Sleep 8 hours a day. Its the best thing you can possible do for yourself.
8. Find a sport you like and follow it like an olde tyme religion.
9. Be nice, say thank-you, please and you are welcome.
10. Keep trying, never quit. Even if you fail, especially when you fail.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Can't hold a tune to save thier lives.
I was driving back to work from lunch today listening to Radio-Canada's Espace Musique. On came an english song sung by a french Canadian singer named Sheila Graham. The song was Dancing Cheek to Cheek by Irving Berlin. Nice song.
BUT, what struck me was how well it was sung. Sheila was a good singer. She was clear, perfect pitch just lovely to listen to.
In the bridge, she sang almost by herself, only a small snare drum accompanied her. And she changed key during it! Wow.
In 1954 when the song was recorded there were no fancy electronics to help her, she just sang it with her natural ability. And I'll bet that when she sang the song live, as she did on many occasions, the song sounded the same as the recording, because she did it in one take. She may have sung the song three or four times in the studio but they took the best one and printed it.
Compare that with the singers today. Seems that if you can't sing you do better. Or if you over embellish it. Wailing away like a cat in heat. I cannot listen to that crap. And then they put it through 16 filters 12 times to make it sound OK. None of these people can perform live. Lip sync anyone?
I think we have really lost something here. We go for looks over talent, electronics over gift, flash over substance. We are the poorer for it. I'm gonna go listen to Frank sing it His Way now.
BUT, what struck me was how well it was sung. Sheila was a good singer. She was clear, perfect pitch just lovely to listen to.
In the bridge, she sang almost by herself, only a small snare drum accompanied her. And she changed key during it! Wow.
In 1954 when the song was recorded there were no fancy electronics to help her, she just sang it with her natural ability. And I'll bet that when she sang the song live, as she did on many occasions, the song sounded the same as the recording, because she did it in one take. She may have sung the song three or four times in the studio but they took the best one and printed it.
Compare that with the singers today. Seems that if you can't sing you do better. Or if you over embellish it. Wailing away like a cat in heat. I cannot listen to that crap. And then they put it through 16 filters 12 times to make it sound OK. None of these people can perform live. Lip sync anyone?
I think we have really lost something here. We go for looks over talent, electronics over gift, flash over substance. We are the poorer for it. I'm gonna go listen to Frank sing it His Way now.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Hold on
Boy, we really lived it up didn't we, but we never could live it down. And when you left with my only son, I knew that I never really could hold on to you. You were like water through my hands.
I watched you leave for California, with you hair flowing in the wind, you never looked back, but you did take my last bottle of gin.
I told you before you left that you have got to hold on. To take may hand because I was standing right here, but you wouldn't hold on.
I heard your new boyfriend gave you a brand new watch and promised you a diamond ring. I knew you were looking for someone to blame and you found me. But when you shared my life we shared the blame.
I remember when you called the cops. They told me that you don't meet nice girls in bars.
You told me that you still loved me and I told you that I always would. But life is never that easy and sometimes all we have left is to hold on. So take my hand I said, I'm standing right here, you've got to hold on.
I asked God to bless your broken heart, I know this town took it out of you. I can still hear your angel voice, I wish you were still here talking with me. I tried to build us up over the years, you tore it down with a single word and burnt the rest to the ground. Then you said there was nothing left to keep you here. But when you fell down again and I heard you call my name. And I told you to hold on, I am standing right here, hold my hand and hold on.
They found you down by the river. It was ten below and the snow was falling. Right beside where we used to dance under the streetlight, you would close your eyes and sing to the music in your heart.
It will be so hard to dance again, it will always be cold and the music will never play. Our old hometown won't miss us anyway but when I'm there and hear our song playing I will always remember that you never did hold on even though I was standing right there, you just couldn't hold on.
I watched you leave for California, with you hair flowing in the wind, you never looked back, but you did take my last bottle of gin.
I told you before you left that you have got to hold on. To take may hand because I was standing right here, but you wouldn't hold on.
I heard your new boyfriend gave you a brand new watch and promised you a diamond ring. I knew you were looking for someone to blame and you found me. But when you shared my life we shared the blame.
I remember when you called the cops. They told me that you don't meet nice girls in bars.
You told me that you still loved me and I told you that I always would. But life is never that easy and sometimes all we have left is to hold on. So take my hand I said, I'm standing right here, you've got to hold on.
I asked God to bless your broken heart, I know this town took it out of you. I can still hear your angel voice, I wish you were still here talking with me. I tried to build us up over the years, you tore it down with a single word and burnt the rest to the ground. Then you said there was nothing left to keep you here. But when you fell down again and I heard you call my name. And I told you to hold on, I am standing right here, hold my hand and hold on.
They found you down by the river. It was ten below and the snow was falling. Right beside where we used to dance under the streetlight, you would close your eyes and sing to the music in your heart.
It will be so hard to dance again, it will always be cold and the music will never play. Our old hometown won't miss us anyway but when I'm there and hear our song playing I will always remember that you never did hold on even though I was standing right there, you just couldn't hold on.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
And you are?
Part I
In 1998 I was in a severe motorcycle accident. From what they tell me a little old lady just never saw the stop sign. I was going quite quickly, as usual. And that is about all I remember. I still have the brake lever on my bookshelf. They removed it from my chest on my second surgery. Again, from what they tell me my bike landed on top of my after we both vaulted over the car. I always wanted my bike to be a part of me, careful what you ask for.
The most serious of my injuries was the severe blow to my head. There is a clear impression of the instrument cluster on my cracked helmet. The worst part of the whole incident was the fact that they couldn't remove my helmet as it was holding my head together. So they strapped me to a backboard, helmet and all. I don't really remember the ride to the hospital or the visits to all the various soft pastel coloured test rooms. I do remember the horrible pain in my back. You can't move when you are on a backboard, so your back is sore. Your muscles are pulled and strained from the accident and they start to tighten up. Very, very uncomfortable. But it did distract me from all my missing skin and cracked skull.
The thing that bugs me the most? They cut my leathers off of me. I loved those leathers.
It was only after I was released back to society that I noticed that something wasn't right. I walked back to my apartment, knew where my spare key was and once inside was immediately glad to be there.
I checked my messages. Lots of good wishes and “hope you get well soon’s”. But they were all from strangers. They must have read about my accident in the paper and got my number. The city is full of very strange, yet kind people.
I popped my meds, took a shower and crashed in my lovely, stinking, worn out bed. I was home. Not bad for a dead guy because that is what I should have been.
Part II
I hate being woken up. I especially hate being woken up by the phone. I really, especially hate being woken up by the phone by a complete stranger. I thought it was a telemarketer at first but he knew my name and could say my last name properly. It was also unusual for a telemarketer to say "Hey, how's it hanging man."
"Good?"
"Cool, you really had us freaked out, I never knew a dead guy before"
"Uh, and you are?"
"Huh?"
"W-h-o a-r-e y-o-u-?" I spoke slowly, I thought the guy was retarded.
"S'matter? The crack to your head busted your ears? It’s Joe, man."
"I don't know any Joeman."
"It's J-o-e, m-a-n." Now he was speaking to me like I was retarded. Now a small voice in my
head was whispering to me, "Hey, I think you might know this guy."
"Hey Joeman, do I know you?"
"Know me? Know me?! Duuuuuude, we are the Mean Steam riding bikes of green!"
Now that struck a chord. My bike was green; it had really cool graphics of steam bursting from pipes all over it. It was cool. Was cool, dammit, I miss my bike.
"Joeman. I think I'm supposed to know you, but I don't" I tried really hard to remember and the harder I tried the worse I felt but I forced myself to remember. Then the world closed in, I broke into a sweat, my knees grew weak.
"I'm gonna go lie down now, bye"
Part III
And that is how it has been for close to ten years now. I remember things, places, events. But no people. Nothing. When I try to, I get sick and pass out. Doc says I smashed part of my brain. No chance to get it back. I can still function, I can still walk, talk, ride. But I don’t know people from before the accident.
I don't even know if that is a good thing. People who knew me tried to reach me, talk to me but all they wanted me to do was remember them and when I tried, comaville.
I moved out of the city and into a small town up north. Folks are real nice, they really try to take care of me. I told one guy my storey, one guy! And by 4 PM the whole place knew my storey. It’s ok, now that I am one of them they watch out for me. If someone comes looking for me, they ask them some questions and if they knew me they give them a storey about me moving to Tahiti.
The people here are real nice. Mostly older, retired farmers and the like. They were looking for a guy like me. I can fix just about anything. Cars, houses, plants, whatever. I work for cash and I am cheap. I live upstairs of the barbershop in a one room place. I like it just fine.
So 10 years on and I just keep on keeping on. I built new relationships, new friends and forget the past and anything connected to it. I have lapses every now and then but I pop some pills and it clears. I don't ride anymore. Getting on a bike is like trying to remember, no good.
Part IV
So I was up at old MacGregor's place fixing his plow when I heard a bike go by on the main road. Beautiful thing. All plastic and iron. None of that carbon fiber or chrome garbage they sell these days. Carbureted, twin pipe, just cruising. Made my heart ache. I wanted to ride so bad.
I finished up with the plow and headed back to town. The barbershop was also the post office and Bill was behind the counter helping the dude on the bike. He was sending a package someplace overseas that Bill (the barber) had never even heard of. He was looking in his big dusty post office books for the rate.
As I walked past the guy said "No way! I thought you were in Tahiti! "
I froze, I did not want to turn and meet his eyes. I knew that I knew that voice. I desperately tried to stop my mind from trying to place it, from trying to remember. The blood started to rush, I could feel my heart pounding. I started to walk again. And the guy started towards me. Bill stepped in his way.
"Hey, back off man, I know this guy.”
Bill said, “I know you know this guy, and he may have known you, but he doesn`t want to know you now.”
“Dude! C'mon, let`s go grab a beer”
Bill stood up on his toes and looked the stranger in the eyes. “I don't want to be rude, but take you package and please leave....now.”
I continued my slow Frankenstein walk to the back and to the stairs leading up. In the hall mirror I could see the stranger with Bill standing toe to toe with him. Bill had his baseball bat in his hands. The stranger took his eyes off my back and looked at Bill and then looked down at the bat. He looked back at me then got his package and left.
I tried to slow my breathing, slow my heat. If I didn’t I’d never make it up the stairs. Bill’s wife Maude came out of the back and took one look at my face and grabbed my am and led me upstairs.
I love the people of this town. They never ask me questions about my past. They never ask the people who ask about me about my past. They don’t want to know. Lest something slip out and drive me away. They need me, and I need them.
Part V
Today was going to be a good day, I could feel it. The sun was shining and I had to go see Mrs. Norse to fix her washing machine. Real easy job and Mrs. Norse makes great cupcakes.
I fixed the machine in no time, just adjusted the belt and then filled myself with cupcakes. But Mrs. Norse was acting strange. When it came time for her to pay it soon became obvious that she couldn’t. I told she could owe me but she didn’t want it getting out that she was poor, she was a proud woman. She offered me a trade instead. She said that she felt bad that I had to walk everywhere or hitch rides. So she lead me to the driving shed and offered what was in there to me. A 1984 Yamaha Virago. Very cool.
I told her I wouldn’t take it, but would rent it from her in exchange for repairs. She agreed.
I had not been on a bike in 10 years. I spent the rest of the day getting it going. Once it was burbling quietly in the corner I slipped on an old half face helmet and threw my leg over. I just prayed I would be able to ride it. As I eased out of the yard I waved at Mrs. Norse. I slowly wound it up as I made my way to Main Street and home. As the wind and noise picked up I started to feel free, calm.
I was planning on pulling in front of the post office but I found myself riding on past. I headed out of town. The main road opening up to country and farmland. Faster and faster and faster.
"That BITCH!" Where did that come from? Why did I think that?
Faster and faster.
“That FUCKING BITCH!” What the hell? A face flashed in front of me. The guy from the post office.
“Asshole!” What is going on, who was that guy, why am I thinking of him now?
Faster and faster. Now I am coasting.... and coasting... and coasting. The wind noise lessens. The tire noise grows less. I come to a slow stop.
No, no, no. This is not right, this is not fair. We were happy, we had EVERYTHING! And she threw it away.
I turn the bike around; I know what I have to do, knew what I was doing all those years ago. I have wasted 10 years! I had a plan, I have a plan. I twist the throttle so hard I fear I’m going to snap the cable. First, second, third, fourth, bouncing off the rev limiter, fifth. The wind is bashing my head around. I don’t care. I have a job to finish. As I scream back into town, I never slow. I keep it WFO. When Mr. Geely backs his delivery truck out from his lot I slam into him at over 160 km/hr. I finish the job. I can’t live without her, I won’t live knowing he is with her.
In 1998 I was in a severe motorcycle accident. From what they tell me a little old lady just never saw the stop sign. I was going quite quickly, as usual. And that is about all I remember. I still have the brake lever on my bookshelf. They removed it from my chest on my second surgery. Again, from what they tell me my bike landed on top of my after we both vaulted over the car. I always wanted my bike to be a part of me, careful what you ask for.
The most serious of my injuries was the severe blow to my head. There is a clear impression of the instrument cluster on my cracked helmet. The worst part of the whole incident was the fact that they couldn't remove my helmet as it was holding my head together. So they strapped me to a backboard, helmet and all. I don't really remember the ride to the hospital or the visits to all the various soft pastel coloured test rooms. I do remember the horrible pain in my back. You can't move when you are on a backboard, so your back is sore. Your muscles are pulled and strained from the accident and they start to tighten up. Very, very uncomfortable. But it did distract me from all my missing skin and cracked skull.
The thing that bugs me the most? They cut my leathers off of me. I loved those leathers.
It was only after I was released back to society that I noticed that something wasn't right. I walked back to my apartment, knew where my spare key was and once inside was immediately glad to be there.
I checked my messages. Lots of good wishes and “hope you get well soon’s”. But they were all from strangers. They must have read about my accident in the paper and got my number. The city is full of very strange, yet kind people.
I popped my meds, took a shower and crashed in my lovely, stinking, worn out bed. I was home. Not bad for a dead guy because that is what I should have been.
Part II
I hate being woken up. I especially hate being woken up by the phone. I really, especially hate being woken up by the phone by a complete stranger. I thought it was a telemarketer at first but he knew my name and could say my last name properly. It was also unusual for a telemarketer to say "Hey, how's it hanging man."
"Good?"
"Cool, you really had us freaked out, I never knew a dead guy before"
"Uh, and you are?"
"Huh?"
"W-h-o a-r-e y-o-u-?" I spoke slowly, I thought the guy was retarded.
"S'matter? The crack to your head busted your ears? It’s Joe, man."
"I don't know any Joeman."
"It's J-o-e, m-a-n." Now he was speaking to me like I was retarded. Now a small voice in my
head was whispering to me, "Hey, I think you might know this guy."
"Hey Joeman, do I know you?"
"Know me? Know me?! Duuuuuude, we are the Mean Steam riding bikes of green!"
Now that struck a chord. My bike was green; it had really cool graphics of steam bursting from pipes all over it. It was cool. Was cool, dammit, I miss my bike.
"Joeman. I think I'm supposed to know you, but I don't" I tried really hard to remember and the harder I tried the worse I felt but I forced myself to remember. Then the world closed in, I broke into a sweat, my knees grew weak.
"I'm gonna go lie down now, bye"
Part III
And that is how it has been for close to ten years now. I remember things, places, events. But no people. Nothing. When I try to, I get sick and pass out. Doc says I smashed part of my brain. No chance to get it back. I can still function, I can still walk, talk, ride. But I don’t know people from before the accident.
I don't even know if that is a good thing. People who knew me tried to reach me, talk to me but all they wanted me to do was remember them and when I tried, comaville.
I moved out of the city and into a small town up north. Folks are real nice, they really try to take care of me. I told one guy my storey, one guy! And by 4 PM the whole place knew my storey. It’s ok, now that I am one of them they watch out for me. If someone comes looking for me, they ask them some questions and if they knew me they give them a storey about me moving to Tahiti.
The people here are real nice. Mostly older, retired farmers and the like. They were looking for a guy like me. I can fix just about anything. Cars, houses, plants, whatever. I work for cash and I am cheap. I live upstairs of the barbershop in a one room place. I like it just fine.
So 10 years on and I just keep on keeping on. I built new relationships, new friends and forget the past and anything connected to it. I have lapses every now and then but I pop some pills and it clears. I don't ride anymore. Getting on a bike is like trying to remember, no good.
Part IV
So I was up at old MacGregor's place fixing his plow when I heard a bike go by on the main road. Beautiful thing. All plastic and iron. None of that carbon fiber or chrome garbage they sell these days. Carbureted, twin pipe, just cruising. Made my heart ache. I wanted to ride so bad.
I finished up with the plow and headed back to town. The barbershop was also the post office and Bill was behind the counter helping the dude on the bike. He was sending a package someplace overseas that Bill (the barber) had never even heard of. He was looking in his big dusty post office books for the rate.
As I walked past the guy said "No way! I thought you were in Tahiti! "
I froze, I did not want to turn and meet his eyes. I knew that I knew that voice. I desperately tried to stop my mind from trying to place it, from trying to remember. The blood started to rush, I could feel my heart pounding. I started to walk again. And the guy started towards me. Bill stepped in his way.
"Hey, back off man, I know this guy.”
Bill said, “I know you know this guy, and he may have known you, but he doesn`t want to know you now.”
“Dude! C'mon, let`s go grab a beer”
Bill stood up on his toes and looked the stranger in the eyes. “I don't want to be rude, but take you package and please leave....now.”
I continued my slow Frankenstein walk to the back and to the stairs leading up. In the hall mirror I could see the stranger with Bill standing toe to toe with him. Bill had his baseball bat in his hands. The stranger took his eyes off my back and looked at Bill and then looked down at the bat. He looked back at me then got his package and left.
I tried to slow my breathing, slow my heat. If I didn’t I’d never make it up the stairs. Bill’s wife Maude came out of the back and took one look at my face and grabbed my am and led me upstairs.
I love the people of this town. They never ask me questions about my past. They never ask the people who ask about me about my past. They don’t want to know. Lest something slip out and drive me away. They need me, and I need them.
Part V
Today was going to be a good day, I could feel it. The sun was shining and I had to go see Mrs. Norse to fix her washing machine. Real easy job and Mrs. Norse makes great cupcakes.
I fixed the machine in no time, just adjusted the belt and then filled myself with cupcakes. But Mrs. Norse was acting strange. When it came time for her to pay it soon became obvious that she couldn’t. I told she could owe me but she didn’t want it getting out that she was poor, she was a proud woman. She offered me a trade instead. She said that she felt bad that I had to walk everywhere or hitch rides. So she lead me to the driving shed and offered what was in there to me. A 1984 Yamaha Virago. Very cool.
I told her I wouldn’t take it, but would rent it from her in exchange for repairs. She agreed.
I had not been on a bike in 10 years. I spent the rest of the day getting it going. Once it was burbling quietly in the corner I slipped on an old half face helmet and threw my leg over. I just prayed I would be able to ride it. As I eased out of the yard I waved at Mrs. Norse. I slowly wound it up as I made my way to Main Street and home. As the wind and noise picked up I started to feel free, calm.
I was planning on pulling in front of the post office but I found myself riding on past. I headed out of town. The main road opening up to country and farmland. Faster and faster and faster.
"That BITCH!" Where did that come from? Why did I think that?
Faster and faster.
“That FUCKING BITCH!” What the hell? A face flashed in front of me. The guy from the post office.
“Asshole!” What is going on, who was that guy, why am I thinking of him now?
Faster and faster. Now I am coasting.... and coasting... and coasting. The wind noise lessens. The tire noise grows less. I come to a slow stop.
No, no, no. This is not right, this is not fair. We were happy, we had EVERYTHING! And she threw it away.
I turn the bike around; I know what I have to do, knew what I was doing all those years ago. I have wasted 10 years! I had a plan, I have a plan. I twist the throttle so hard I fear I’m going to snap the cable. First, second, third, fourth, bouncing off the rev limiter, fifth. The wind is bashing my head around. I don’t care. I have a job to finish. As I scream back into town, I never slow. I keep it WFO. When Mr. Geely backs his delivery truck out from his lot I slam into him at over 160 km/hr. I finish the job. I can’t live without her, I won’t live knowing he is with her.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Shall we dance?
OK people, here is where our christian sensibilities start to clash with our modern world.
I am sick to death of everybody dancing around trying not to hurt the feelings on ONE person.
Are we really afraid that we would be mean if we spoke the truth?
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be honest. This is not hard to do, you just have to do it.
I am all for being diplomatic. Consider people's feelings and try to get along. But when you have a group doing everything in their power to avoid a confrontation is bass ackwards. And has the effect where the one person is encouraged to continue their offensive behaviour.
Listen, I can be a dick. I know that. I know that because somebody I admire told me that. And that is the difference. I am now aware of this. So when I speak or write I take that into consideration.
But when you don't know how much people dislike you, you carry on as if they do.
Time to fess up, time to be honest, time to tell the truth. If you like or love someone tell them. Tell them because they may not know. And it will make them feel better, it will make you feel better.
If you know someone who walks into a place, craps all over the floor and then complains about the stink, tell them. Don't let them get away with it. Don't encourage them by backing down. I recently made this mistake and made the whole situation worse by contributing to the lie.
You will be doing yourself and them a favour. If that person now knows that their behavior is offensive then they will watch for it. If they continue to do it after you have told them, well then you will know a great deal more about that person than you did before. You can ask them to leave or leave yourself. At least everyone will know why.
Stop dancing, start talking.
I am sick to death of everybody dancing around trying not to hurt the feelings on ONE person.
Are we really afraid that we would be mean if we spoke the truth?
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be honest. This is not hard to do, you just have to do it.
I am all for being diplomatic. Consider people's feelings and try to get along. But when you have a group doing everything in their power to avoid a confrontation is bass ackwards. And has the effect where the one person is encouraged to continue their offensive behaviour.
Listen, I can be a dick. I know that. I know that because somebody I admire told me that. And that is the difference. I am now aware of this. So when I speak or write I take that into consideration.
But when you don't know how much people dislike you, you carry on as if they do.
Time to fess up, time to be honest, time to tell the truth. If you like or love someone tell them. Tell them because they may not know. And it will make them feel better, it will make you feel better.
If you know someone who walks into a place, craps all over the floor and then complains about the stink, tell them. Don't let them get away with it. Don't encourage them by backing down. I recently made this mistake and made the whole situation worse by contributing to the lie.
You will be doing yourself and them a favour. If that person now knows that their behavior is offensive then they will watch for it. If they continue to do it after you have told them, well then you will know a great deal more about that person than you did before. You can ask them to leave or leave yourself. At least everyone will know why.
Stop dancing, start talking.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What have you done for me lately?
OK, I want anyone who reads this to list 10 things that they have done to help the planet. You can borrow some of mine. They don't need to be big things, just show me and others (and yourself) that you are trying. Then borrow some of the others folks suggestions.
1. I hyper mile (I get 40 MPG in a car that should only get 30)
2. I insulated my garage door, cost me $20, cut my heating bill by about 5%.
3. I recycle like crazy. I used to have 2 bags of garbage and no blue box every week. Now I have two blue boxes, half a bag of garbage and a composter.
4. I turn down the thermostat in winter, turn up the thermostat in summer.
5. I walk to the store.
6. I disabled the heating element in my dishwasher.
7. I stopped using my electric toothbrush and razor.
8. I turn off lights religiously.
9. I don't water my grass or use fertilizers or weedkiller.
10. I try to convince people to do the same.
OK, now its your turn. I am hoping to get some good ideas generated.
Eyeteaguy
1. I hyper mile (I get 40 MPG in a car that should only get 30)
2. I insulated my garage door, cost me $20, cut my heating bill by about 5%.
3. I recycle like crazy. I used to have 2 bags of garbage and no blue box every week. Now I have two blue boxes, half a bag of garbage and a composter.
4. I turn down the thermostat in winter, turn up the thermostat in summer.
5. I walk to the store.
6. I disabled the heating element in my dishwasher.
7. I stopped using my electric toothbrush and razor.
8. I turn off lights religiously.
9. I don't water my grass or use fertilizers or weedkiller.
10. I try to convince people to do the same.
OK, now its your turn. I am hoping to get some good ideas generated.
Eyeteaguy
Monday, March 16, 2009
Random Thoughts
Here is an interesting bunch of quotes I gleaned from 15 years of emails and letters. When I wrote something particularly deep, funny or profound I wrote them down in my little book. Here they are for your reading pleasure.
I have always worked from an inferior position: it makes the achievment all the more satisfying.
Nothing worth having isn’t worked for. Everything I have I have worked for. Everything I have worked for is worth having. If it comes easy, I don’t want it, I never earned it, it has no worth or satisfaction to me.
The most dangerous thing in an office is a manager with a business plan.
I have seen too much goofy shit in this world to think that “now” won’t change.
Agression is merely the defense of a weakness.
Fear is a horribly crippling thing. It distracts us from winning.
Adventures in Adversity. Adversity breed character. I have enough character to write a book. A book of adventures in adversity.
Its not so much the places I`ve gone as it is the people I`ve met. I have spoken with America.
Live life ‘cause death sucks.
It is the smallest number of men who make up the opinion of a society
Running from your problems will not make them go away. But it will give you respite; strength to fight on.
Rudeness is in the ears of the recipeint.
"I will wait for you" is the dumbest line I ever said. I did not know that time was up when I said it.
Profoundness comes and goes. Mediocrity is a constant companion.
Failing at the impossible is not shameful. Not realizing it is so, is.
Fight only as long and as hard as is necessary. There are many other fights to be fought.
Who are you to say who I am when I myself don’t know that answer. And I know me best of and you not at all.
Screaming may not solve the problem. But it may relieve the stress enough so that a solution becomes clear.
Sometimes for a man to be truely free, you have to leave the door of the cage open.
Have you ever fought to remember who a stranger’s face reminds you of. Only to remember it was the face of a person long repressed due to a traumatic experience? I hate when that happens.
You cannot make yourself happy. You can only realize when you are and enjoy.
Most people are happy but they are too stupid to realize it.
Riding in the rain is like having a gun pointed at you. No sudden movements.
I don’t need a reason to be in a bad mood
Nobody likes a whiner.
If the truth is out there, I don’t want to hear it; I take comfort in the lies.
I thought I lost my mind once. Then I realized that you cannot lose what you never had.
If life was easy then it would come with a book of instructions.
If all else fails, get a bigger gun.
Walk softly and carry and thermonuclear device.
If you can’t babble then with bull then riddle them with bullets.
A problem does not exist that cannot be solved with the suitable application of high explosives.
Trust no one, not even yourself.
Death inevitable follows life. Death is finite, life is not.
Take the initiative. Of it is not yours then take it from someone who has.
Society is best conquered from the inside out. Like a virus. Get in and destroy asunder.
The mistakes of history are bound to be repeated. Not-so-great men feel they can correct the mistakes of great men. Times change, lessons do not.
Attack first, ask questions later. If you were right, then your actions were justified. If you were wrong then you merely made a good decision based on incorrect intelligence.
I have looked death in the eye. Neither of us has blinked yet.
People say that life is a battle against death. If that is the case then all one can say in the end is “It was a good battle”. If it was not, then you lost.
It seems that men are doomed to repeat ourselves. Our ego says, “This time I shall do it differently, and this time it shall work out better”. It explains war anyway.
If it were not for the fact that I’m so tired, I would do more. Or at least do something.
Memories are awful things. They force us to relive the past even though we may have learnt from it already.
Writing by candlelight seems to make my words more profound. Unfortunately by light of day they seem mediocre.
Big words a big man they do not make. But small men use them to seem that way.
In a different place and situation I would not be the same person.
I thought I was reading between the lines. All I got was blank spaces.
You wanted no strings. So why are you so tangled.
Not that you lied to me, but that I no longer believe you, that has shaken me.
I have always been intrigued by the lack of subtly that military men have. Perhaps that is why they generally do not get on in politics. It may also explain why so little gets done in government.
Any form of art must be practiced well to be good and be appreciated. That is why I feel procrastination is an art form.
Interestingly enough I have no desire to better myself. I feel that all that I will be is here already, ready to be discovered.
Depression is the natural state. Punctuated my moments of sheer happiness and eras of despair.
We are destined to die the moment we are born. Knowing this, why do we bother. The weak see only this and die early and by their own hand. The strong realize that this is all we get and seize the opportunity. It is the living we must concentrate on. Dying comes naturally to everyone.
"Get a life," someone told me once. I replied, "I already have one." I then suggested he get an objective other than telling people to get what they already have. He told me to stop pointing out the obvious.
Philosophers say that fire consumes all. Scientists say that this is not true due to the conservation of energy. I say that fire burns if you stand too close.
If dark is the absence of light. Then what is light, the absence of dark or the presence of photons. Who cares. I can see in the light and the dark comforts me.
Some questions are best left unanswered. Others are best left unasked. Still others are completely pointless. "Who am I?" fits one of these categories.
Big music requires big instruments. Soft music requires light instruments. My music requires getting used to.
If everybody is different, why do we act so stupidly alike? Or are we just different like everybody else.
Money is annoying. It is important only if you do not have it.
Everyone hates a smart man. For he make them all feel stupid.
You cannot hurt me anymore. I don't care about you anymore.
If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger then I am Superman.
I was here. And I am free.
Freedom is a state of mind. However one must have freedom to realize this.
If getting there is half the fun then I want to travel for the rest of my life.
I do not speak too quickly. You listen too slow.
I have found that one learns a lot by being quiet and listening. When does one break the silence and share the accumulated knowledge?
Hold in your anger. Release it in controlled bursts at the appropriate time for maximum effectiveness.
Enemies are like dust in the nose. Expel them suddenly and with violent force.
Friends come and go. Enemies keep reappearing.
I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately it was an oncoming train.
Letters are cheats. The lack spontaneity and truth for they are crafted carefully with time. They may even be written by somebody else. Only trust a voice and only when it is telling the truth.
If turning a chair upside down prevents people from sitting in it then I find it strange that turning a gun the other way does not prevent its use.
Suicide is the ultimate cheat. Someone else may have wanted to kill that person but was robbed of the opportunity.
Suicide in my case is silly. There are many others out there that deserve death more than I.
Dying to prove a point is wrong. You don't get to live to see your point proven. One only proves a point to gloat.
I would love to live a long time. To see how certain things work out. But that would be wrong. It would deny those who come after me their chance.
There is so much death in this world that mine (or any other) would not cause a ripple. That does not mean that I would not fight for my life.
If what tastes good is bad for you then mushrooms must be really healthy.
It is amazing what historians derive from the writing of great men, especially of their character. It is lucky that these great men do not return to life. A great many historians would be wrong and look like fools.
Every man should carry a knife. Not to defend himself, but to show that he can.
Every person has the capacity for change. Whether or not we do is a matter of choice.
I want to leave here. It is not that I want to go somewhere. It is that I want to leave her and go some where else.
I am not angry upset or stressed. I am frustrated. I am stuck between choosing one of many paths and fear of choosing one at all. I don't mind choosing wrong.
I have done things that I thought only other people did.
Fighting against instinct takes a great deal of energy. It can, however, be done. It is what separates us as sentient beings. What instinct am I fighting you ask? You can ask.
There is only one place that I would like to be. Gone.
I am in no hurry. I'll get there eventually.
Too much introspection is not good for the soul. Nobody likes to be stared at.
Loss of respect, in my eyes, is worse than hating someone. It means that your status has been lowered by your own actions.
My heart is like my favorite beer. Cold, dark and bitter.
Fin.
I have always worked from an inferior position: it makes the achievment all the more satisfying.
Nothing worth having isn’t worked for. Everything I have I have worked for. Everything I have worked for is worth having. If it comes easy, I don’t want it, I never earned it, it has no worth or satisfaction to me.
The most dangerous thing in an office is a manager with a business plan.
I have seen too much goofy shit in this world to think that “now” won’t change.
Agression is merely the defense of a weakness.
Fear is a horribly crippling thing. It distracts us from winning.
Adventures in Adversity. Adversity breed character. I have enough character to write a book. A book of adventures in adversity.
Its not so much the places I`ve gone as it is the people I`ve met. I have spoken with America.
Live life ‘cause death sucks.
It is the smallest number of men who make up the opinion of a society
Running from your problems will not make them go away. But it will give you respite; strength to fight on.
Rudeness is in the ears of the recipeint.
"I will wait for you" is the dumbest line I ever said. I did not know that time was up when I said it.
Profoundness comes and goes. Mediocrity is a constant companion.
Failing at the impossible is not shameful. Not realizing it is so, is.
Fight only as long and as hard as is necessary. There are many other fights to be fought.
Who are you to say who I am when I myself don’t know that answer. And I know me best of and you not at all.
Screaming may not solve the problem. But it may relieve the stress enough so that a solution becomes clear.
Sometimes for a man to be truely free, you have to leave the door of the cage open.
Have you ever fought to remember who a stranger’s face reminds you of. Only to remember it was the face of a person long repressed due to a traumatic experience? I hate when that happens.
You cannot make yourself happy. You can only realize when you are and enjoy.
Most people are happy but they are too stupid to realize it.
Riding in the rain is like having a gun pointed at you. No sudden movements.
I don’t need a reason to be in a bad mood
Nobody likes a whiner.
If the truth is out there, I don’t want to hear it; I take comfort in the lies.
I thought I lost my mind once. Then I realized that you cannot lose what you never had.
If life was easy then it would come with a book of instructions.
If all else fails, get a bigger gun.
Walk softly and carry and thermonuclear device.
If you can’t babble then with bull then riddle them with bullets.
A problem does not exist that cannot be solved with the suitable application of high explosives.
Trust no one, not even yourself.
Death inevitable follows life. Death is finite, life is not.
Take the initiative. Of it is not yours then take it from someone who has.
Society is best conquered from the inside out. Like a virus. Get in and destroy asunder.
The mistakes of history are bound to be repeated. Not-so-great men feel they can correct the mistakes of great men. Times change, lessons do not.
Attack first, ask questions later. If you were right, then your actions were justified. If you were wrong then you merely made a good decision based on incorrect intelligence.
I have looked death in the eye. Neither of us has blinked yet.
People say that life is a battle against death. If that is the case then all one can say in the end is “It was a good battle”. If it was not, then you lost.
It seems that men are doomed to repeat ourselves. Our ego says, “This time I shall do it differently, and this time it shall work out better”. It explains war anyway.
If it were not for the fact that I’m so tired, I would do more. Or at least do something.
Memories are awful things. They force us to relive the past even though we may have learnt from it already.
Writing by candlelight seems to make my words more profound. Unfortunately by light of day they seem mediocre.
Big words a big man they do not make. But small men use them to seem that way.
In a different place and situation I would not be the same person.
I thought I was reading between the lines. All I got was blank spaces.
You wanted no strings. So why are you so tangled.
Not that you lied to me, but that I no longer believe you, that has shaken me.
I have always been intrigued by the lack of subtly that military men have. Perhaps that is why they generally do not get on in politics. It may also explain why so little gets done in government.
Any form of art must be practiced well to be good and be appreciated. That is why I feel procrastination is an art form.
Interestingly enough I have no desire to better myself. I feel that all that I will be is here already, ready to be discovered.
Depression is the natural state. Punctuated my moments of sheer happiness and eras of despair.
We are destined to die the moment we are born. Knowing this, why do we bother. The weak see only this and die early and by their own hand. The strong realize that this is all we get and seize the opportunity. It is the living we must concentrate on. Dying comes naturally to everyone.
"Get a life," someone told me once. I replied, "I already have one." I then suggested he get an objective other than telling people to get what they already have. He told me to stop pointing out the obvious.
Philosophers say that fire consumes all. Scientists say that this is not true due to the conservation of energy. I say that fire burns if you stand too close.
If dark is the absence of light. Then what is light, the absence of dark or the presence of photons. Who cares. I can see in the light and the dark comforts me.
Some questions are best left unanswered. Others are best left unasked. Still others are completely pointless. "Who am I?" fits one of these categories.
Big music requires big instruments. Soft music requires light instruments. My music requires getting used to.
If everybody is different, why do we act so stupidly alike? Or are we just different like everybody else.
Money is annoying. It is important only if you do not have it.
Everyone hates a smart man. For he make them all feel stupid.
You cannot hurt me anymore. I don't care about you anymore.
If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger then I am Superman.
I was here. And I am free.
Freedom is a state of mind. However one must have freedom to realize this.
If getting there is half the fun then I want to travel for the rest of my life.
I do not speak too quickly. You listen too slow.
I have found that one learns a lot by being quiet and listening. When does one break the silence and share the accumulated knowledge?
Hold in your anger. Release it in controlled bursts at the appropriate time for maximum effectiveness.
Enemies are like dust in the nose. Expel them suddenly and with violent force.
Friends come and go. Enemies keep reappearing.
I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately it was an oncoming train.
Letters are cheats. The lack spontaneity and truth for they are crafted carefully with time. They may even be written by somebody else. Only trust a voice and only when it is telling the truth.
If turning a chair upside down prevents people from sitting in it then I find it strange that turning a gun the other way does not prevent its use.
Suicide is the ultimate cheat. Someone else may have wanted to kill that person but was robbed of the opportunity.
Suicide in my case is silly. There are many others out there that deserve death more than I.
Dying to prove a point is wrong. You don't get to live to see your point proven. One only proves a point to gloat.
I would love to live a long time. To see how certain things work out. But that would be wrong. It would deny those who come after me their chance.
There is so much death in this world that mine (or any other) would not cause a ripple. That does not mean that I would not fight for my life.
If what tastes good is bad for you then mushrooms must be really healthy.
It is amazing what historians derive from the writing of great men, especially of their character. It is lucky that these great men do not return to life. A great many historians would be wrong and look like fools.
Every man should carry a knife. Not to defend himself, but to show that he can.
Every person has the capacity for change. Whether or not we do is a matter of choice.
I want to leave here. It is not that I want to go somewhere. It is that I want to leave her and go some where else.
I am not angry upset or stressed. I am frustrated. I am stuck between choosing one of many paths and fear of choosing one at all. I don't mind choosing wrong.
I have done things that I thought only other people did.
Fighting against instinct takes a great deal of energy. It can, however, be done. It is what separates us as sentient beings. What instinct am I fighting you ask? You can ask.
There is only one place that I would like to be. Gone.
I am in no hurry. I'll get there eventually.
Too much introspection is not good for the soul. Nobody likes to be stared at.
Loss of respect, in my eyes, is worse than hating someone. It means that your status has been lowered by your own actions.
My heart is like my favorite beer. Cold, dark and bitter.
Fin.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Gunshot Wound
It was the funniest thing. I had never been shot before but I had thought about it so much that I was sure I would know what it would feel like. But now that I see my blood seeping through my sweater I laugh at my arrogance. It feels nothing like I thought. Not noble or grand. There even isn’t a lot of pain. I don’t feel shot. I feel punched. The clarity of though, I thought I would have is not here. I figured I would get to play up and act the great death seen. All I did was fall against the wall and slide down it clutching my stomach. It isn’t pain, just a hurt in my belly. All I can think of is the pain that I know is coming when the adrenaline wears off. I am scared, that is one thing I didn’t think would happen. I am scared I am going to die. That I am not finished doing what I am supposed to do. The metallic taste in my mouth is what I fear most. I always get that taste when I am sick. But I am not sick; I am dying of a gunshot wound.
Bill had watched the guy clutch his belly and slide down the wall. He looked shocked, no, surprised. Like when you expect something and then it doesn’t happen or not happen like it was supposed to. Well it didn’t go like it was supposed to. A simple meeting, to exchange information, but too many strange things went on. The meeting place was changed; the contact changed, the manner of exchange changed. All that was the same was me. But that is a lie, I was changed too, I was nervous as hell. Every instinct told me to get out, to bail but I am duty bound to my organization. When that goofball stated to act like James Bond I started to loose my cool. Then the dumb fuck reached into his jacket. I shot him out of sheer instinct. Who the hell keeps his smokes in the inside pocket. It is done now, he has stopped bleeding and his hand lays limp on his lap. Number 37 or is it 38? I never did know if that Asian guy bit it.
Detective Warren looked at the pale face of the victim. Not a quick death but not a slow one. He didn’t look to be in a lot of pain but then adrenaline would have taken care of that. He bled to death before the pain hit him. A .38 by the looks of it, small, light and easily concealed. Burn marks on the sweater so he was shot at close range. But why here and why this guy. He was small time. Usually a getter of coffee and donuts. His wallet was still in his pants so a robbery was out. An exchange gone wrong? But what went wrong? This guy didn’t have a weapon; he wouldn’t have had time to fire unless he got off the first shot and the other guy took his gun. But leave the wallet? No, he had no gun. Killed to keep him quiet. No, this was too small time. Maybe it was his first exchange and he spooked the other guy. Probably. That is how I’ll write it up. Button this one up quick. It’s an internal matter between two organizations. They’ll take care of it in their own way in their own time. They always do. I still have to wrap up that dumpster murder before the trail grows cold.
He watched the cop get back into his car amid the flashing lights of police and ambulance drivers. There will be hell to pay for this. It will be explained away but he will have to pay for it in some way. I’ll get expelled to Hong Kong again to do errands for that fat fuck Quan. At least I’ll get to see Sherri again….
I have died of a gunshot wound. Dammit, I had so much left to do.
Bill had watched the guy clutch his belly and slide down the wall. He looked shocked, no, surprised. Like when you expect something and then it doesn’t happen or not happen like it was supposed to. Well it didn’t go like it was supposed to. A simple meeting, to exchange information, but too many strange things went on. The meeting place was changed; the contact changed, the manner of exchange changed. All that was the same was me. But that is a lie, I was changed too, I was nervous as hell. Every instinct told me to get out, to bail but I am duty bound to my organization. When that goofball stated to act like James Bond I started to loose my cool. Then the dumb fuck reached into his jacket. I shot him out of sheer instinct. Who the hell keeps his smokes in the inside pocket. It is done now, he has stopped bleeding and his hand lays limp on his lap. Number 37 or is it 38? I never did know if that Asian guy bit it.
Detective Warren looked at the pale face of the victim. Not a quick death but not a slow one. He didn’t look to be in a lot of pain but then adrenaline would have taken care of that. He bled to death before the pain hit him. A .38 by the looks of it, small, light and easily concealed. Burn marks on the sweater so he was shot at close range. But why here and why this guy. He was small time. Usually a getter of coffee and donuts. His wallet was still in his pants so a robbery was out. An exchange gone wrong? But what went wrong? This guy didn’t have a weapon; he wouldn’t have had time to fire unless he got off the first shot and the other guy took his gun. But leave the wallet? No, he had no gun. Killed to keep him quiet. No, this was too small time. Maybe it was his first exchange and he spooked the other guy. Probably. That is how I’ll write it up. Button this one up quick. It’s an internal matter between two organizations. They’ll take care of it in their own way in their own time. They always do. I still have to wrap up that dumpster murder before the trail grows cold.
He watched the cop get back into his car amid the flashing lights of police and ambulance drivers. There will be hell to pay for this. It will be explained away but he will have to pay for it in some way. I’ll get expelled to Hong Kong again to do errands for that fat fuck Quan. At least I’ll get to see Sherri again….
I have died of a gunshot wound. Dammit, I had so much left to do.
Monday, March 09, 2009
I don't know
I'm not sure what this post is about or where it is going to go.
You see I have been feeding my brain for the last 2 months and it hasn't fully digested the information yet. Usually when it has it burps out a blog entry. It hasn't really done that yet. Maybe because it has been such a big meal.
Anyway, what have I been feeding it? I watched the Ken Burn PBS series on the US Civil War, then his series on the Second World War. And finally I watched the Ten Thousand Day War about the Vietnam conflict. I have been trying to put this into context. Huge numbers of men, women and children died in these wars. 620,000 in the Civil War, 400,000 in WW2 and 50,000 US Soldiers in Vietnam. Huge numbers by any account. But then those numbers lose all context when we look at the Chinese civil war where 20 million people died. I can't get my head around that.
Then I have to juxtapose that with our current conflicts. In 5 years of "war" in Iraq the US has lost 4,000. Canada has lost just over 100 in Afghanistan. And we are devastated?
In the Battle of the Wilderness in May 1864 the US lost 4,000 in one morning, on one side. A slaughter by all accounts.
So what am I trying to say? I don't know. Do we measure a conflict by its losses? By the number of "innocent" victims? Its duration, percentage of population lost, brutality?
Do I put it into my context? In some wars 50% of young men were lost. If I pick 3 of my best friends and take away 2, including maybe me? How would life be different. What if my city was bombed, or I nearly starved because no food could get through. What if my town was overrun by the enemy, or I was sent to a prison camp for my nationality, religion, colour?
Have we been lucky? Or leaders been more careful. Have we evolved to a higher level where we don't fight big wars anymore? Not likely. Maybe white European people have seen the futility of it all and avoid it at all costs. Our African friends certainly have not learned this, see Darfur or Rwanda.
So what did I learn from all these programs? Good programs where most of the history was first accounts, not some wizened professor's interpretation. The Civil War was dictated by 4 diaries, the Second World war by its survivors and the Vietnam war by the people who fought it. They were there and they told it like it was. Generals, politicians, soldiers, civilians. An honest account. And they all let you make up your own mind. Maybe that is what I am struggling with. I have made up my mind and it still seems so unreal, so wrong. I cannot even place myself in their shoes it is so out of context for me.
When my father emigrated, he chose Canada because there was no chance of me being conscripted. Was he telling me something, what did he know? He never served, never knew anyone who served and no war ever touched his country in his lifetime.
I guess maybe I am wrestling with what I would do if I was put in a situation where my country decided to go to war. I have no faith in our political leaders. Mainly because they are politicians, they have no experience of war and some seem too eager to fight, as long as they don't have to pick up a gun.
But what would I do? Enlist? Run? Become a war profiteer? If I was 18 I would enlist because I knew nothing then. I was accepted by the Armed Forces to go to officer training when I was 18 but did not follow through. Maybe I did know what I was doing. At my age and situation I would never be conscripted, but if I was asked, I would not go. I know the horrors and I know I would not survive. Even if I was not killed I would not come back the same. Would I run? Not with a family to support. So I would stay home and not go. And that may be what I struggle with. Because there would be people that would go and would die and would come home damaged. They sacrificed and I did not.
I was raised to be a good citizen in the true meaning of the word and I am raising my family to do the same. Being a citizen means to help others in need, contribute to the whole. Be considerate of others, pitch in when needed, sacrifice when asked. All for the greater good, because I know that if everyone else does the same we will all be in better shape.
Now I know some do not, some take advantage and you will have to live with these people because you cannot send them away. But the vast majority are good citizens. And we do look out for each other but would I go and die to protect that?
Perhaps it is again a "perspective thing". Would I do it for Canada? Maybe, but probably not. Would I do it for Ontario? Nope. For my city? No. For my religion? Maybe. For my family, yes.
If we lived in small city states where we depended on one another for survival and we were under threat, then I would defend. Yes.
But we do not live in city states, or nation states. The lines are blurred and are almost meaningless.
And that may be the crux of the problem. I would defend a situation that no longer exists. And I would not defend what we currently have.
I think society has grown beyond what our DNA can handle. And we started these horrible wars. Applying old mentalities to new situations with disastrous results. And we are not safe or protected from doing it again for there are those out there who would try to force their outdated way of thinking onto a world which is unable to accepted is as it has evolved too far.
I guess we will have to hold fast while they catch up, or hold out while they destroy themselves in order to learn what we already know.
Maybe. I don't know.
You see I have been feeding my brain for the last 2 months and it hasn't fully digested the information yet. Usually when it has it burps out a blog entry. It hasn't really done that yet. Maybe because it has been such a big meal.
Anyway, what have I been feeding it? I watched the Ken Burn PBS series on the US Civil War, then his series on the Second World War. And finally I watched the Ten Thousand Day War about the Vietnam conflict. I have been trying to put this into context. Huge numbers of men, women and children died in these wars. 620,000 in the Civil War, 400,000 in WW2 and 50,000 US Soldiers in Vietnam. Huge numbers by any account. But then those numbers lose all context when we look at the Chinese civil war where 20 million people died. I can't get my head around that.
Then I have to juxtapose that with our current conflicts. In 5 years of "war" in Iraq the US has lost 4,000. Canada has lost just over 100 in Afghanistan. And we are devastated?
In the Battle of the Wilderness in May 1864 the US lost 4,000 in one morning, on one side. A slaughter by all accounts.
So what am I trying to say? I don't know. Do we measure a conflict by its losses? By the number of "innocent" victims? Its duration, percentage of population lost, brutality?
Do I put it into my context? In some wars 50% of young men were lost. If I pick 3 of my best friends and take away 2, including maybe me? How would life be different. What if my city was bombed, or I nearly starved because no food could get through. What if my town was overrun by the enemy, or I was sent to a prison camp for my nationality, religion, colour?
Have we been lucky? Or leaders been more careful. Have we evolved to a higher level where we don't fight big wars anymore? Not likely. Maybe white European people have seen the futility of it all and avoid it at all costs. Our African friends certainly have not learned this, see Darfur or Rwanda.
So what did I learn from all these programs? Good programs where most of the history was first accounts, not some wizened professor's interpretation. The Civil War was dictated by 4 diaries, the Second World war by its survivors and the Vietnam war by the people who fought it. They were there and they told it like it was. Generals, politicians, soldiers, civilians. An honest account. And they all let you make up your own mind. Maybe that is what I am struggling with. I have made up my mind and it still seems so unreal, so wrong. I cannot even place myself in their shoes it is so out of context for me.
When my father emigrated, he chose Canada because there was no chance of me being conscripted. Was he telling me something, what did he know? He never served, never knew anyone who served and no war ever touched his country in his lifetime.
I guess maybe I am wrestling with what I would do if I was put in a situation where my country decided to go to war. I have no faith in our political leaders. Mainly because they are politicians, they have no experience of war and some seem too eager to fight, as long as they don't have to pick up a gun.
But what would I do? Enlist? Run? Become a war profiteer? If I was 18 I would enlist because I knew nothing then. I was accepted by the Armed Forces to go to officer training when I was 18 but did not follow through. Maybe I did know what I was doing. At my age and situation I would never be conscripted, but if I was asked, I would not go. I know the horrors and I know I would not survive. Even if I was not killed I would not come back the same. Would I run? Not with a family to support. So I would stay home and not go. And that may be what I struggle with. Because there would be people that would go and would die and would come home damaged. They sacrificed and I did not.
I was raised to be a good citizen in the true meaning of the word and I am raising my family to do the same. Being a citizen means to help others in need, contribute to the whole. Be considerate of others, pitch in when needed, sacrifice when asked. All for the greater good, because I know that if everyone else does the same we will all be in better shape.
Now I know some do not, some take advantage and you will have to live with these people because you cannot send them away. But the vast majority are good citizens. And we do look out for each other but would I go and die to protect that?
Perhaps it is again a "perspective thing". Would I do it for Canada? Maybe, but probably not. Would I do it for Ontario? Nope. For my city? No. For my religion? Maybe. For my family, yes.
If we lived in small city states where we depended on one another for survival and we were under threat, then I would defend. Yes.
But we do not live in city states, or nation states. The lines are blurred and are almost meaningless.
And that may be the crux of the problem. I would defend a situation that no longer exists. And I would not defend what we currently have.
I think society has grown beyond what our DNA can handle. And we started these horrible wars. Applying old mentalities to new situations with disastrous results. And we are not safe or protected from doing it again for there are those out there who would try to force their outdated way of thinking onto a world which is unable to accepted is as it has evolved too far.
I guess we will have to hold fast while they catch up, or hold out while they destroy themselves in order to learn what we already know.
Maybe. I don't know.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
What does your vehicle say about you?
When I see a great big SUV I wonder what the guy/gal inside wants me to think of them. That they are rich? They "Off-road" in their spare time? That they don't give a damn about the future and that it is all about them?
Yeah, me too. I just cannot see how these people can justify themselves.
These vehicles are too big, crowd the roads and wreck the tarmac.
They are not safer.
They are not more reliable.
They are not status symbols. (They stopped becoming that when everyone got one)
They are not efficient.
They are not user friendly.
So you sit high up so you can see the road. Well if everybody didn't have one you wouldn't need to be high up.
Smarten up folks. Cheap gas will only be here for the current recession and then we will be back to $1.30 a litre again.
I'm not saying you should go buy a Hinda Fit or Toyota Yaris (although that would be nice if you did) I am saying, when you buy your next vehicle buy a more efficient one. Going from 12 MPG to 18MPG is far better than me going from a 32 MPG to a 35 MPG. Big savings, huge difference in gas. And then when you trade up, make the jump to 25 MPG.
And slow down, you can save up to 30% buy driving the speed limit.
Yeah, me too. I just cannot see how these people can justify themselves.
These vehicles are too big, crowd the roads and wreck the tarmac.
They are not safer.
They are not more reliable.
They are not status symbols. (They stopped becoming that when everyone got one)
They are not efficient.
They are not user friendly.
So you sit high up so you can see the road. Well if everybody didn't have one you wouldn't need to be high up.
Smarten up folks. Cheap gas will only be here for the current recession and then we will be back to $1.30 a litre again.
I'm not saying you should go buy a Hinda Fit or Toyota Yaris (although that would be nice if you did) I am saying, when you buy your next vehicle buy a more efficient one. Going from 12 MPG to 18MPG is far better than me going from a 32 MPG to a 35 MPG. Big savings, huge difference in gas. And then when you trade up, make the jump to 25 MPG.
And slow down, you can save up to 30% buy driving the speed limit.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I'm tired
For most of my life I have been an excellent sleeper. Mostly because I know how important it is. In University I was called the "Old Man" because I would always make sure I was in bed for 11 PM. That way I would be as fresh as a daisy in the morning.
However having 2 children seems to have wrecked my ability to sleep. I assumed once the kids got bigger and started sleeping through the night then I would too. This has not turned out to be the case.
Every night I wake up about 10-15 times. Sometimes I just roll over, sometimes I get up to relieve myself and other I change location entirely. All this waking up means I am not getting the sleep I need.
Sleep as we know is the best way to defeat and recover from stress. My current job is very stressful so I need my sleep, and I am not getting it.
I started doing research into how to stay asleep. Not getting to sleep, I have that one nailed, its staying asleep that I have issues with. Now the big "cure" is vitamin B-12. It is supposed to help your body to produce melatonin. And melatonin is the hormone that regulates sleep.
The problem was I didn't have any B12 in the house but I did have B Complex Slow Release that my massage therapist recommended to me. It has B12 in it but also all of the other B's. Some of which boost your metabolism. I was afraid that instead of helping me sleep it would keep me awake. Boy, was I wrong. I slept like the dead, my alarm couldn't wake me in the morning and my alarm is a very energetic 4 year old.
However, one nights sleep does not make a trend. So I tried it for the next two nights. On the third, I had to go to the bathroom so badly but I could hardly open my eyes. Either I was tired, had mono or the B was working.
So to confirm the results I did not take B for the next three nights. Guess what, I was awake quite a lot. Not 10-15 times but more than I would have liked. So for the next 3 I took the B again and again 3 good sleeps. It was obviously working.
After more reading I determined that B-12 was indeed the active agent so my wife purchased some regular B-12. I took it for 3 nights and had really crappy sleeps. I didn't take anything for 3 nights and I was back to waking up a lot. And for the last 3 nights I went back to the B-Complex and have had great sleeps.
What is going on? I have 2 theories. One, there is another B by itself, or in conjunction with another B that is helping me stay asleep. Two, its the slow release that is keeping me asleep.
I am going out to buy B-12 Slow Release and B-Complex regular to see which one it is.
Oh, and in case you are wondering if this is Eyeteaguy specific, Mrs. Eyeteaguy (sorry girls, there is a Mrs. Eyeteaguy) has experienced the exact same results.
I'll keep you posted, pleasant dreams.
However having 2 children seems to have wrecked my ability to sleep. I assumed once the kids got bigger and started sleeping through the night then I would too. This has not turned out to be the case.
Every night I wake up about 10-15 times. Sometimes I just roll over, sometimes I get up to relieve myself and other I change location entirely. All this waking up means I am not getting the sleep I need.
Sleep as we know is the best way to defeat and recover from stress. My current job is very stressful so I need my sleep, and I am not getting it.
I started doing research into how to stay asleep. Not getting to sleep, I have that one nailed, its staying asleep that I have issues with. Now the big "cure" is vitamin B-12. It is supposed to help your body to produce melatonin. And melatonin is the hormone that regulates sleep.
The problem was I didn't have any B12 in the house but I did have B Complex Slow Release that my massage therapist recommended to me. It has B12 in it but also all of the other B's. Some of which boost your metabolism. I was afraid that instead of helping me sleep it would keep me awake. Boy, was I wrong. I slept like the dead, my alarm couldn't wake me in the morning and my alarm is a very energetic 4 year old.
However, one nights sleep does not make a trend. So I tried it for the next two nights. On the third, I had to go to the bathroom so badly but I could hardly open my eyes. Either I was tired, had mono or the B was working.
So to confirm the results I did not take B for the next three nights. Guess what, I was awake quite a lot. Not 10-15 times but more than I would have liked. So for the next 3 I took the B again and again 3 good sleeps. It was obviously working.
After more reading I determined that B-12 was indeed the active agent so my wife purchased some regular B-12. I took it for 3 nights and had really crappy sleeps. I didn't take anything for 3 nights and I was back to waking up a lot. And for the last 3 nights I went back to the B-Complex and have had great sleeps.
What is going on? I have 2 theories. One, there is another B by itself, or in conjunction with another B that is helping me stay asleep. Two, its the slow release that is keeping me asleep.
I am going out to buy B-12 Slow Release and B-Complex regular to see which one it is.
Oh, and in case you are wondering if this is Eyeteaguy specific, Mrs. Eyeteaguy (sorry girls, there is a Mrs. Eyeteaguy) has experienced the exact same results.
I'll keep you posted, pleasant dreams.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wanna Save the Planet?
Here's how. Its not a big thing but if all of us do it then it will make a big difference.
Its a trick from the book of hypermilers. Hypermiling http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypermiling is trying to get the best mileage out of your car. They do crazy stuff like turn off their car going down hills, or accelerating very slowly.
But here is an excellent way to save the planet and save yourself a few bucks. It takes advantage of a technical aspect of your car. Its called Fuel Cut Off Overrun. Its used by car companies to get their EPA rating.
Basically it is this. When you car decelerates, in gear and the engine is turning over at over 1,500 RPM, the fuel injectors ARE TURNED OFF!
This prevents raw gas from being dumped into the engine and out the tailpipe.
Here is how you use it. Look ahead, if you think you need to stop, take your foot off the gas. That is it. That is all you have to do. Plan ahead and take your foot off the gas. If you have to use your brakes, use them to come to a complete stop after coasting.
To give you an idea of the impact of this, I did a test. I drove to and fro from work driving how I normally drive. Then I just used this technique and this technique only. I got 100 km more out of my tank. That is 20% more. That is a big deal.
I then went extreme and used all the crazy hypermiling techniques and got an extra 90 km more. That is how powerful this knowledge is.
Please try it, it takes some getting used to but it very quickly becomes habit. My wife started doing it as well and guess what. After a tank or two she too was getting 100 km more.
If we all saved 20% of the gas we used, that would meet our Kyoto targets. Go ahead, save the planet, I dare you.
Its a trick from the book of hypermilers. Hypermiling http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypermiling is trying to get the best mileage out of your car. They do crazy stuff like turn off their car going down hills, or accelerating very slowly.
But here is an excellent way to save the planet and save yourself a few bucks. It takes advantage of a technical aspect of your car. Its called Fuel Cut Off Overrun. Its used by car companies to get their EPA rating.
Basically it is this. When you car decelerates, in gear and the engine is turning over at over 1,500 RPM, the fuel injectors ARE TURNED OFF!
This prevents raw gas from being dumped into the engine and out the tailpipe.
Here is how you use it. Look ahead, if you think you need to stop, take your foot off the gas. That is it. That is all you have to do. Plan ahead and take your foot off the gas. If you have to use your brakes, use them to come to a complete stop after coasting.
To give you an idea of the impact of this, I did a test. I drove to and fro from work driving how I normally drive. Then I just used this technique and this technique only. I got 100 km more out of my tank. That is 20% more. That is a big deal.
I then went extreme and used all the crazy hypermiling techniques and got an extra 90 km more. That is how powerful this knowledge is.
Please try it, it takes some getting used to but it very quickly becomes habit. My wife started doing it as well and guess what. After a tank or two she too was getting 100 km more.
If we all saved 20% of the gas we used, that would meet our Kyoto targets. Go ahead, save the planet, I dare you.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I am what I am, I am who I am.
I apologize... for nothing. I'm sorry if the way that I am..... bugs you.
And that is the truth. After reading this you should take away two messages.
1. Self help people can't help you.
2. Accept who you are and stop try to change yourself, because you can't.
All these self help people are as screwed up as you and me. They are writing to justify themselves, their actions and sometime to line their pockets. Take note, there is nothing wrong with you. Say it with me. "There is nothing wrong with me" Feel better? I do. You know why? Its because you can stop trying to "fix" yourself, "improve" yourself, "fulfill your potential" now. You are who you are, accept it, because you can't change it. Think you can? Well you can't, you are like a rubber band. You can stretch for a while, change shape but when you get tired, and you will, you will go back to your original shape. So enjoy your shape. Take what you are and move on. Live life as you are, not as you want to be. You will get further.
I have spent so much energy "growing" myself, "molding" myself. And I am the same. The only difference is that I was miserable because I couldn't change and felt that I should. Well I can't and now I don't want to. So I won't.
Guess what? I feel better now than after every single self help course I have ever taken or read. You want to know why? Because there is peace in acceptance. This all sounds like self help mumbo jumbo right? Maybe it is but it is also the truth. Accept yourself for who you are because if you don't NO ONE ELSE WILL!
It is so hard being someone else. And when you stop, or change or quit all those people you deceived will not like you anymore because you caused them a great inconvenience because you made them change their mind about you.
I have friends, good friends. They are good friends because I accept them for who their are. Even their faults.... especially their faults. I do not judge them, I accept them and live my life with them. I do not try to change them because that is harder than changing yourself.
Its like playing poker. You get all the cards you want except one. So use your "power of positive thinking" to "realize the card it wants to be". Does the card change? Nope. Play it, trade it. Win or lose with it. Its a fun game and if you are not having fun stop playing.
So just accept who you are, accept the others around you, stop trying to change yourself and everything around you and just live. Peace will descend upon you as long as you stop judging yourself.
Now piss off and go do something you enjoy. I won't judge you for it.
And that is the truth. After reading this you should take away two messages.
1. Self help people can't help you.
2. Accept who you are and stop try to change yourself, because you can't.
All these self help people are as screwed up as you and me. They are writing to justify themselves, their actions and sometime to line their pockets. Take note, there is nothing wrong with you. Say it with me. "There is nothing wrong with me" Feel better? I do. You know why? Its because you can stop trying to "fix" yourself, "improve" yourself, "fulfill your potential" now. You are who you are, accept it, because you can't change it. Think you can? Well you can't, you are like a rubber band. You can stretch for a while, change shape but when you get tired, and you will, you will go back to your original shape. So enjoy your shape. Take what you are and move on. Live life as you are, not as you want to be. You will get further.
I have spent so much energy "growing" myself, "molding" myself. And I am the same. The only difference is that I was miserable because I couldn't change and felt that I should. Well I can't and now I don't want to. So I won't.
Guess what? I feel better now than after every single self help course I have ever taken or read. You want to know why? Because there is peace in acceptance. This all sounds like self help mumbo jumbo right? Maybe it is but it is also the truth. Accept yourself for who you are because if you don't NO ONE ELSE WILL!
It is so hard being someone else. And when you stop, or change or quit all those people you deceived will not like you anymore because you caused them a great inconvenience because you made them change their mind about you.
I have friends, good friends. They are good friends because I accept them for who their are. Even their faults.... especially their faults. I do not judge them, I accept them and live my life with them. I do not try to change them because that is harder than changing yourself.
Its like playing poker. You get all the cards you want except one. So use your "power of positive thinking" to "realize the card it wants to be". Does the card change? Nope. Play it, trade it. Win or lose with it. Its a fun game and if you are not having fun stop playing.
So just accept who you are, accept the others around you, stop trying to change yourself and everything around you and just live. Peace will descend upon you as long as you stop judging yourself.
Now piss off and go do something you enjoy. I won't judge you for it.
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