OK people, here is where our christian sensibilities start to clash with our modern world.
I am sick to death of everybody dancing around trying not to hurt the feelings on ONE person.
Are we really afraid that we would be mean if we spoke the truth?
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be honest. This is not hard to do, you just have to do it.
I am all for being diplomatic. Consider people's feelings and try to get along. But when you have a group doing everything in their power to avoid a confrontation is bass ackwards. And has the effect where the one person is encouraged to continue their offensive behaviour.
Listen, I can be a dick. I know that. I know that because somebody I admire told me that. And that is the difference. I am now aware of this. So when I speak or write I take that into consideration.
But when you don't know how much people dislike you, you carry on as if they do.
Time to fess up, time to be honest, time to tell the truth. If you like or love someone tell them. Tell them because they may not know. And it will make them feel better, it will make you feel better.
If you know someone who walks into a place, craps all over the floor and then complains about the stink, tell them. Don't let them get away with it. Don't encourage them by backing down. I recently made this mistake and made the whole situation worse by contributing to the lie.
You will be doing yourself and them a favour. If that person now knows that their behavior is offensive then they will watch for it. If they continue to do it after you have told them, well then you will know a great deal more about that person than you did before. You can ask them to leave or leave yourself. At least everyone will know why.
Stop dancing, start talking.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
31 comments:
You're a dick :) and I agree with you completely.
I can be a big dick too, and often I am.
I just wish people would tell me (well, I know that *you* will, because you have!)
Seriously. If someone doesn't like me, don't email a friend of mine and complain.
Grow a pair. Go to my blog - it isn't hard to find. That button that says "About", yeah, it has my real email there.
Email me. I'll give you my phone number, and tell you where I live.
We can chat. I'll buy you a coffee while you tell me I'm an asshole.
So here's the new way to be - if someone's being a dick, tell them.
If I'm being a dick, tell me - don't tell someone else who is too polite to tell me.
That's not fair to me or the other person.
Oh man. I can see it now. This comment section is gonna turn into one big dick-fest. Everyone will call everyone else a dick.
Oh well. Might as well get it over with.
I am a loving, kind person and I am not a doormat or stupid, because I work out of this paradigm. But the world "out there" seem free to judge me and tell me to my face that they think I am not smart or that I am heavy because I have not the will-power or discipline or do not like myself.
The Internet is so freeing, because people know me by my writing.
I work at being as honest as I am knowing at the time. I still see the beauty in people at nearly first glance - then if I am uncomfortable with behavior I use NVC (Nonviolent communication) to share my view - occasionally I am rebuffed; usually I find relief in the response.
@Patricia
I think we need to distinguish between being honest and being mean.
I am a loving and kind person too but I dispise people dancing around the feelings of others and I mean that negatively. If I have to check myself from saying "stop crapping all over my blog", then I am dancing.
Being honest is saying "Listen, you come to my blog, crap all over the place and complain. Stop it. You are pissing people off but they are too nice to say it"
You are doing everyone a favour by doing this.
Next time someone is mean to you. Let me know. Brett and I will unleash the viking hoards upon them.
And if you find the beauty in people first, then you are ahead of most people. That is admirable and we should follow where you lead.
Eyeteaguy
Eyeteaguy and Brett
...you're BOTH dicks!
(Patricia is okay..though).
I love a good debate. I don't mind if people get pissed off and disagree with me. That's part of the fun.
But it's the personal attacks, where I draw the line.
Attack my ARGUMENT..not ME.
Some people don't' know the difference. They start criticizing you personally, or THEY take it personally if you don't' agree with them.
At that point, they've lost the argument.
Especially if they have a suck attack and go crying to others.
- Friar
PS. Can I be a dick, TOO?
Then we can all be the Three Dick-a-Teers, together.
@Patricia,
What Eyeteaguy said. We're actually pretty nice folks.
If everyone was honest and open...
I mean, everything - EVERYTHING - comes down to communication, and understanding. People start wars because of misunderstandings, that probably could have been avoided by honesty.
@Eyeteaguy,
Viking Horde on hot standby - VikingCON 2.
@Friar,
Guilty as charged. I am most certainly a dick.
I mean, I work at Chafe Inc., right?
@Brett
If you get tired of chafing, there's lots of polishing to do, yet.
Hickory Dickory DICK.
- Friar
Amen! Diplomatic, calm honesty is the only way to deal with people.
If they can't handle it, too bad , but you owe it to yourself and them to be open.
Hmmmm ... I love how guys approach things. Eyeteaguy: "Brett, you are being a dick." Brett: "Huh, could be. Right back atcha. Let's go for a beer." Eyetaguy: "Cool. Let's invite fellow dick-head Friar."
No subtlety there!
Generalizing, women tend to take a slightly different tact. Urban Panther: "Patricia, when you made that comment on my blog the other day, you made me feel sad." Patricia: "Oh my gosh, Panther. I am so sorry! That certainly was not my intention. Now I feel horrible." Panther: "No, no, no. It's okay, Patricia, I didn't mean to make you feel horrible."
The point I'm making is, your delivery is based on your audience. You can tell Brett he's a dick, and he'll take you for a beer. You tell me I'm a dick, and you could just see this Panther unsheath her claws. *grin*
@UP
Speaking of being a dick I nearly fell out of my chair when James said "Next time, it’s okay with me if you guys say, “James, cut it out. You’re being a dick.” Really" It was like he read this post already.
So your supposition may be correct, except for the fact that the person I referred to that called me a dick to begin with, was a female. A 75 year old female.
Maybe its a generational thing?
And your claws, are they made of adamantium like the Wolverine on X-Men? That would be cool.
Eyeteaguy
James is actually very open to being criticized. And actually, he feels badly that his joking around was misconstrued.
When I am 75, I will probably not mince my words either. BTW, I like this lady already :)
No, I don't have Wolverine claws, but I wouldn't mind having Wolverine. Or even better Gambit. I've always had a thing for Gambit.
Brett: I'm genuinely surprised that you have being a dick in you, or so you say. Truly. I'm glad I've never seen that side of you. But if I had seen it, I probably would have said something out of hurt or shock.
I'm all for being honest with someone, but I think honesty also necessarily calls for tact. Sometimes I feel too tired to be tactful but being honest without being also tactful is being a dick. That kind of honesty is usually more for self-satisfaction and its selfish rather than caring.
So there's a fine line, which is why most people dance: fear of confrontation or being hurtful. You have to know what to say and how to say it. It has to come from a certain type of love.
And it has to be necessary. Turning to someone beside me and saying, "Dear God, you cannot sing. Do yourself and the others around you a huge favour and please shut the hell up" is just unkind and unnecessary. Even if I said, "Hey, I appreciate you loving to sing, but perhaps you should stop because you're not very good" would be cruel. Likewise, if someone is acting like a jerk, not that you shouldn't be firm and to the point, but you have to tell them with the full intention of helping rather than getting it off your chest.
At least, that's what I think. There's also the issue of being judgmental. Someone or something is always good or bad, we think, and maybe sometimes we just need to let things BE, especially in grey areas, where what we think is more our interpretation than truth.
Oh, Eyetea. You said something like that already. Maybe I should read the comments first.
@Steph,
It's all a matter of perspective, of course - you'd never see it unless we were playing paintball and I shot you in the butt (ask Eyeteaguy... but then he shot me in the throat, so he got his revenge!), or you were in the mosh pit at a metal concert and I bumped into you too hard, or if you were one of the management droids at The Factory and overheard me cutting up the latest policy...
Because to a management droid, my stating how ludicrous the policies are is "being a dick" - see what I mean?
So maybe what I was getting at is that many times we are all communicating but not really understanding, and at some point one person or the other things someone is being a dick.
But we're not really - we just need to sit down and talk it out.
Tact is definitely important.
Another important thing I've been thinking a lot about is a special application of the 80-20 rule.
If someone out here in blogoland says something that I don't agree with, if commenting that I don't agree isn't going to further any of my goals, is there really any point in me saying anything?
I mean, I'm sure that 75 percent of the population of Planet Earth doesn't agree with some things I believe and I could never convince them otherwise!
Nor should I try... :)
I think I'm going to be ill. This dickfest is turning into an Oprah show. I love it when people say really stupid or insulting things on my blog because then I can really have fun. I love it when people say nice stuff, too of course. I think of the blog as a whole other world than my real life world. I don't always say what I really mean and often I exaggerate for the sake of blogginess. So have at it all.
I agree with XUP...
I think I sense a GROUP HUG happening soon...
- Friar
You're a dick, Friar :)
@Brett
No...YOU'RE a dick!
Hey Terrance-Friar, I farted *pthhhhtttt!*
@Phillip-Brett
BWAHAHAHHAHAH!
Now, I'm farting back at you.
PFFFTTT.
Terrance-Friar,
I am laughing out loud, with my Canadian head dancing around on my lower jaw :)
Hey look, it's Ugly Bob! He's hideously deformed!
@Brett
Hey, twenty-something comments.
Is this a new record for Eyeteaguy?
I wonder if we should go for a century?
I'm overwhelmed....
But of course you all missed the point. But that is ok. I loved to see all the different perspectives.
The point was taking to task all the people who dance around the feelings of others. Why do we do it? Are we afraid of offending people so much that we will tie ourselves in knots to avoid it?
Apparently so.
And you're all dicks, especially Brett. But oddly enough, he will see this as a compliment.
Eyeteaguy
Hah!
Lookit Eyeteaguy implying that all our comments are missing the whole point of the blog.
Yeah....not like some of us have NEVER been responsible for making that happen elsewhere! :-)
Oh, geez.
I'm gonna dance around this topic right now.
But believe me, you're all...
(Forget it. It's been said.)
Regards,
Kelly
P.S. This is definitely a record for Eyeteaguy. I think he'll be a Cool Kid before I am, at this rate. I remember when he'd post once in a blue moon, and Brett would give him a hard time. Now... ;)
@Kelly
Oh...come on.
SAY IT!!!
You know you want to.
Okay, Friar, you're all...
Horrible dancers.
All right EyeTeaGuy, you asked for it... ;)
Rather than calling you a dick, which everyone else seems to have done already...(DOH!)....I will subscribe to a different form of verbiage... Hehe...
So.... Go and boil your bottom, son of a window-dresser!
I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheese-loving, electric, donkey-bottom biter!
Have at you!
Glenn
ZING!!
Eyeteaguy got OWNED by Glenn!
(Sorry, I just had to point this out...you always do it when someone else owns me).
Post a Comment